Conversations from 'The Dark Knight Rises' that Should Have Happened

EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT

CATWOMAN

I need a clean slate.

BATMAN

You mean Mexico?

CATWOMAN

What?

BATMAN

Most people looking for a fresh start just go to Mexico.

CATWOMAN

Well, I ...

BATMAN

Are you telling me a cat burglar who filches off Gotham's One Percent can't afford a one-way ticket to the world's poorest country?

CATWOMAN

Well, I'm so bad off that they would stop me at the border.

BATMAN

Two movies ago I told Morgan Freeman to sneak into Wayne Enterprise's secure science devision, and he did it. Now we're talking about a two-thousand mile long fence that is literally crossed illegally every single day. I mean, this isn't rocket surgery.

CATWOMAN

Rocket surgery?

BATMAN

Yeah, it's a combination of rocket science and brain surgery. FYI, I am the world's foremost rocket surgeon. Look, you're supposed to be an intelligent, capable woman. You've even got a fancy cat burglar suit and special cat burglar glasses. Wait, what the fuck do those even do, anyway?

EXT. GOTHAM STADIUM - DAY

BANE

I have here, a note, written in crayon, where Commissioner Gordon calls Harvey Dent a doo-doo head.

CITIZEN 1

Can we see it?

BANE

What?

CITIZEN 1

Can we see the note?

BANE

No.

CITIZEN 1

Then how do we know Jim Gordon wrote it?

BANE

You must trust me.

OFF DUTY COP

Wait, I'll just call him ... Hey, Jimbo, did you write a speech denouncing Harvey Dent?

GORDON (V.O.)

Umm ... no.

OFF DUTY COP

Gordon says he's lying. Let's take him!

BANE

But wait! I have given the detonator to this nuclear bomb to an ordinary citizen, who will use it if ...

CITIZEN 2

Oh, God! Not this again.

CITIZEN 1

The Joker did that like eight years ago.

CITIZEN 2

Guess what, nothing happens!

CITIZEN 1

I'm moving to Metropolis.

INT. GOTHAM APARTMENT - DAY

BANE

We have the fusion bomb.

TALIA AL' GHUL

Good, now we can wait five months and watch Gotham tear itself apart.

BANE

But ... we have a detonator. Why don't we just blow it up now?

TALIA AL' GHUL

No! I want to see Gotham destroyed.

BANE

You know what will destroy it? I big fucking bomb.

TALIA AL' GHUL

Silence! We wait. It's what my father, whom I hate, would have wanted.

BANE

Okay. Just as long as we get out of the city in time.

TALIA AL' GHUL

We will wait here until the final moments.

BANE

What?! Then the bomb will kill us too.

TALIA AL' GHUL

Don't you want to die in the cleansing fire of a nuclear explosion?

BANE

... Do you?

The Expendables 2

Is this really necessary? I mean, do I really have to review this movie for you? Because most of you should already know by now. If you've seen the first one, if you know the cast, if you've seen the trailers, if you understand the concept, if you literally know anything about this movie, then you should know already if you like it or not. I did. I went in knowing exactly what I was in for, and I was excited about it.

The Expendables 2 is a movie about shooting people. It's pretty simple, really. The plot is almost imperceptible. All that really happens is characters go places and they shoot people. When the shooting is done, they go to another place and shoot more people. Sometimes another guy, he shows up at the place where the characters are, and then they all shoot people together. It should have been called The Shootables 2. Now don't get me wrong, everyone's motivation is clear. We know why they're shooting people. But how they get from place to place, and how they know which place to go to next . . . the movies not too concerned about those details. It's not really important in the grand shooting scheme of things. It's just a movie about shooting people!

Now, I like The Expendables 2 because it knows exactly what it is, and it doesn't make any apologies for itself. "You don't like movies about shooting people? Fine, go watch The Last Unicorn, you pussy!" Then it tries to shoot you in the face before realizing that it's just a movie and incapable of interacting with real people. The point is, this movie is not Amadeus, nor does it want to be. And that's okay because it is what it wants to be: a movie about shooting people.

So, yeah, if you like that, this movie is pretty f---ing awesome! You should go see it. If that's not your particular brand of dynamite, why are you even here?